The Fear of Failure, and Continuing in Spite of it All
The fear of failure is nothing if not universal. Everyone is afraid of something. Perhaps you’re afraid to take a leap of faith and leave your job for another position. Maybe you’re afraid to leave your relationship. Maybe you’re afraid to stay in it. Maybe, you’re even scared of life events - marriage, commitment, having children, death.
I’ve found myself musing over these fears in the past but my biggest fear right now is not knowing how to do what I want to do with my life. Last night before bed I fell into a spiral. There’s no other way to describe it. I want to get my influencing business off the ground and create something real - something that matters. I want to write a series of essays. I want to get my poetry published. I want to freelance and start my own digital marketing firm. When I think about the logistics of doing all these things, there’s always one thing in the way: a fear of failure. And while I’m not saying I’m more fearful than anyone else, it is a fact that my ADHD diagnosis does NOT help.
ADHD impairs time management, working memory, and organization - among other things. It’s been one of the biggest challenges I’ve learned to live with in my adult years. Going undiagnosed until my mid-twenties was not easy, but it did offer me a sense of clarity. I finally understood WHY I wasn’t functioning like my peers, and why daily tasks seemed like such a struggle to me. It took a lot but eventually I had to accept: I struggle with executive function. I struggle with emotional regulation. Tasks that seem menial to others feel monumental to me. The worst symptom I experienced with my ADHD? Procrastination. What looks like laziness on the outside is really just fear in disguise. If I don’t DO the thing, I can’t FAIL at doing the thing. But I know this has to change.
They say doing little bit by little bit helps, and it’s true. I’ve been checking things off my to do list all day, and it does give me a little boost of dopamine each time. One small task I wanted to do today was write this blog post, and here I am. I know logically I need to continue building my portfolio but sometimes the task of even writing a few paragraphs seems daunting, despite it being what I love to do the most. And so, as I sit at my desk and wrap this post up, I feel the most important thing is to say I showed up for myself. I granted myself patience and I’m taking this time to understand that the big things won’t all happen at once. But step by step, blog post by blog post, I have the ability to create something amazing, in spite of it all.