The Beauty in Boundaries: Learning to Love Without Losing Myself

I’ve always felt that one of my favourite things about myself is my ability to love — deeply and wholeheartedly — even when life gets chaotic. I care hard. I look out for others. Whether it’s friends, family, or a partner, I love without holding back. But lately, I’ve realized that this same passionate care requires boundaries. Because how can you love others effectively, if you don’t love yourself first? 

At first, I didn’t want to think about setting boundaries as “being selfish”. It seems so cold, so cruel, to be considered this way. Weren’t some of my favourite things about myself how warm and welcoming I am, how friendly and willing? Did I really want to give that up, even if it meant working on myself? 

While yes, I acknowledge these are wonderful qualities to have, they’re also the ones that open me up the most, leave me the most vulnerable. It took a lot to learn that these two things can be true at once. The truth is you can be vulnerable while still standing strong in your values. Learning to walk the line, to balance between giving to others and giving to yourself, is the most important thing you can do. These two things, being selfless and being selfish, are not opposites - they’re partners. 

Despite this, I found over a series of weeks, months, even years, that “being selfish” is sometimes needed to grow. I’ve become selfish with things that are important to me, things I can’t get back. My time and my energy are huge ones for me right now. When something doesn’t serve me or bring me joy, I have found I’ve actively started to choose myself every time. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to fiercely protect the things that keep me grounded — my time, my energy, my peace of mind, and these new boundaries I’m working on are reflecting that. This goes for friendships, relationships, even jobs. Life feels too short to not be selfish about my time. I only get so much of it and I refuse to spend it unhappy or mentally and emotionally drained. 

The thing about selfishness is sometimes it can hurt others, and that's unfortunate, but it’s true. Sometimes things end out of selfishness, but I truly believe I would rather have a situation in my life end than to choose anything other than my own peace and happiness. I’ve found gentle ways to ensure my boundaries are met by others which seems to take the sting off for some. A simple “I’m not in the headspace to take on anyone else’s emotional weight” can do wonders, not only for yourself, but for the people in your life who come to you with things you feel unequipped to handle at the moment. It’s okay to be selfish, I think, in these situations, because I find resentment builds if you’re not honest with yourself and others about what you can and can’t handle at the moment. 

Another boundary I’ve set is the need to listen to my body. If my body, or even my mind, is exhausted or unhappy in any way, I’m really working on honouring and understanding that feeling. Sometimes this means cancelling plans, alone time, and disconnecting. Sometimes it may feel like you’re letting people down, but in reality you would be doing them, and yourself, a disservice if you chose not to listen to the messages your body is sending. I’ve learned this is okay. The world will be there when I am ready for it again. If setting boundaries regarding your time and energy causes any loss in your life, I truly believe those things, or people, were never meant to be there to begin with. 

Here’s what I’ll leave you with: while boundaries protect my energy, they don’t mean I’ve stopped showing up with love. Something I will never be selfish with is my love. I will forgive, over and over and over, even when others may not.  Forgiveness is so important, as long as you don’t always pair it with forgetting. Forgive but remember. Don’t hold grudges, but know where to tread with caution. I’ve been told several times how beautiful it is that I am able to love despite everything else, and I honestly believe it’s true, but that doesn’t mean I will allow myself to be open to being hurt in the same ways again. The secret to loving continuously? Remember everyone is flawed, and love them even more for it. 

So my friends, ask yourself: Am I ready to be selfish in order to grow? Are the boundaries I have set ones that I’m happy with? Is there an area of my life in which I could be choosing myself more?  Yes, it’s beautiful to love unconditionally, but not every situation deserves that kind of reverence. The first person you should love and respect unconditionally, should always be YOU! Love deeply, but not at the cost of yourself. Set boundaries. Choose peace.